Death by Raccoon

Jason woke me at 5:00 am the other morning to inform me that we had a raccoon in the house. Our downstairs renter left his front door open while he ran to his car for something and came back to find a raccoon perched on the edge of his couch.

Some of you might remember the last time I was attacked by a raccoon, so you will understand that this news made me pull my feet back in under the covers and whimper a little. Jason and our renter talked about what they should do (nothing) and called animal control.

Now, I’m sorry, but  even in my traumatized state it seemed like anyone with half a brain would put a piece of food outside the front door and lure the beastly thing out. I know from experience how raccoons feel about food.

“Honey,” I say, “How about you put out a peanut butter sandwich and let him run outside?” I drag my terrorized-self out of bed and proceed to make a raccoon sandwich.

But do you think those men listened to one word I said? No. They sat up on the edge of the couch in the basement living room, as scared as a couple of girl scouts. I have no idea what my husband did with the sandwich, he probably ate it. By the time I took the animal control killer man downstairs, the raccoon was about to pounce on those big ninnies, it was so obvious who was winning this stand-off.

It took Animal Control Jim about four seconds to shoo the raccoon out of the apartment. During that time, three more of our renter’s buddies had turned up to watch the show. That’s right, five men, sitting around in the apartment, scared of a baby raccoon (it was an adolescent, I saw it).

I might add that every one of these men is either a soldier or an armed special agent. Isn’t it nice to know we’ve got so many brave men protecting our country?


  1. I feel SO relieved to know how the those in charge of the security of my country respond in such DESPERATE situations.

    Oh wait. Scratch that. I feel SO relieved that I don’t live in America. 🙂

  2. I wish I could say something witty about this, but I can’t..I’m a big ninny and if there is any sort of a spider in the house I have to trick Ian into killing it for me, and bribing him with playing the Wii if he picks it up too.

  3. Janelle says:


    It’s okay for you to be a pansy here — you’ve got the previous experience with it, but five of them huddling in the corner? Come on!

  4. Dude, raccoons ARE scary! They are horribly aggressive and mean big rodents! I think they should’ve tried out your sandwich idea, but your husband probably WAS really hungry… atleast he stood in the room with the raccoon, my husband would’ve sacrificed me to it–no, I’m serious.

  5. Haha, deep down, we’re all little girls.

  6. This does not surprise me in the least! Men are big babies!

    One night, the large painting in the dining room fell, but we didn’t know what the loud noice was. Guess who made me get up and check it out? That’s right, my second degree black belt husband who also has a gun under the bed.

  7. Seriously? They invited friends over to watch? All those men and yet one racoon. Perhaps it’s an extreme sport. Maybe they were secretly taunting the racoon with bits of the pb&j and seeing who came the closest to losing a toe.

  8. Thanks, Annie! Now I feel just that much more fear about our national safety today. 😉

  9. Hilarious!! I love the way they just sat around and watched it. As we have no equivalent of your animal control over here I wonder what my husband would have done. It is nice to know that you sleep safely in America with such brave men around!

  10. Next time you have a racoon intruder, bring it to my house to eat the birds that fly in through my back door.

  11. We had a wildlife encounter in our garage last week. My husband uses it as an office and on Friday a mama duck and one little duckling came in to explore. We don’t live near wildlife so I can’t explain this, but I can report that my husband wasn’t scared.

    He’s scared of racoons, though.

  12. Annie, this is funny. I even read it to my husband. Who also laughed at Jason and his buddies. I will sleep with a smile on my face. THANKS! I needed that.

  13. That’s awesome. I had a raccoon walk across my head and leave footprints on my pillow while I was sleeping in a tent. You and I should totally do a raccoon encounters show on Discovery or something. Write up the pitch.

  14. I’m wondering how Stephanie had a Raccoon walk across her forehead and she didn’t freak out?? Maybe she should give lessons to our burly men??

  15. Yes ladies. Do try to remember that we are in need of a big brave man to protect us in the face of danger… Be sure to tell this to Mr. Macho the next time he is hiding under the bed.