How To Get Released, 101

I got a new calling two months ago. Let me tell you, if I could apply for any calling in the Church, this would be it. In fact, I doubt my bishop has ever seen anyone so excited at the prospect of serving. I am the new ward Activities Chairperson! This is perfect because I LOVE TO PLAN PARTIES. As long as they’re not at my house, and I don’t have to scrub toilets ahead of time, I’m all over the event planning business.

So we’re having a spooktacular ward Halloween carnival bash on Friday at the church, complete with a bounce castle and slide, games, face paint, photo booth, food, and four different Spook alleys. We’ve even got human Whack a Mole (in this case, Smash a Pumpkin).

But I’ve been so busy working out the kinks that I haven’t given much thought to what I’m going to wear (this is shocking, since my outfit is usually paramount in my mind). But yesterday I was at Walmart stocking up on candy when I saw it: the perfect black wig.

And so, with no further adeau, I am please to announce that I am going to be none other than the one, the only, Tattoo Queen of the Universe, Kat Von D.


Okay, so even with the best push up bra on the planet, my boobs have never looked even remotely like that, and let’s face it, the only way anyone can wear a white swimsuit is with some serious editing. (I’m convinced she doesn’t actually look like this in unairbrushed life, but I think this is a really cool picture.)

Now all I have to do is pencil in a few fake tattoo dots and some eyebrows (mine are transparent), strap myself into a girdle and some tight pants, throw on those $2 tattoo arms from Walmart, and I’m a very cheap, watered down version of Kat Von D.

And the best part? Jason has agreed to be her Motley Crew boyfriend, Nikki Sixx.


I wonder how long the Bishopric will keep me around…


  1. I love it, make sure that Jason wear those pants.

  2. please tell me Jason will wear a fake nipple ring.
    I love the idea. can’t wait to see it.
    I want your calling!!!!!

  3. You put me to shame. I’m only doing a Trunk or Treat. BUT the Christmas Party should be “A Night in Bethlehem” And that is where I will shine. I hope.

  4. I totally failed party planning committee. I was fired asap. Now I’m in the library. =P

  5. This would be my dream calling too! I’m going as Lady Gaga.

  6. Please post pictures. Please.

  7. Tricia Sumsion says:

    This white swim suit is exactly like my purple one and I’m convinced that I look EXCACTLY like this when I’m wearing it!

  8. classic costumes you are sure to be released! don’t fear, her boobs don’t really look like that either….editing is magic….we should all be so lucky!

  9. I second the vote for pictures.

    And our bishop showed up with magnetic earrings and a punk rocker outfit.

    You should move here.

  10. Can’t wait to see your pics!

  11. Mwahahaha! Calling suicide — I LOVE it! You know we have the same calling, right? I don’t have a “testimony” of Halloween so it’s going to be low key — joined with WP1. I think I might go as Princess Leia — in her bikini slave costume. Everyone sign up for counseling NOW. Tattoos. Classic.

  12. Awesome Annie, pictures, pictures please! The white suit reminds me of the one we saw on the girl at Water Waves with Kel and Jen…which leads me to completely agree with you on the editing of that picture! Love ya…

  13. LOL…. I think that is awesome! I wish I could be there to see the look on the faces of your ward members. You must post pictures! Love it!

  14. LOVE IT! I can’t wait to see pictures. You will post pictures, right? Maybe on FB? I was a flight attendant for our carnival last week – I should post pictures on my FB – he he! Have a great Halloween!

  15. Hanging head in shame. I’m the ward activities chairman in my ward as well and our party is nothing like this. And I have no clue what I’m going to be. I can’t wait to see how you look as Kat though.

    BTW how are you doing the photo booth? That sounds fun.

  16. You can keep your little blonde piece in the front showing under the wig. Oh, and I think I have one of those hot pink Easter lilies in a box somewhere. Holler if you want it.

  17. PLEASE!!! post pictures of the final product!

  18. Yeah right you’ll get Jason to dress up as Nikki Sixx… I would pay money that he won’t! Then again, he might do it just because I said I’d pay money… 🙂 Make sure to post some very humiliating pictures, okay?

    • annie valentine says:

      Ah Lindsey, so much you don’t know about your brother. Like two years ago when he went as Superman’s wannabe younger brother, Steve. He’s always game at Halloween.

  19. oh help…I just got this calling and I’m so afeered. Why didn’t they promote from within?