Thumbs Up for Slurpees

Okay, I have to introduce you to Royce, from Good Things Come to Those Who Blog. She’s a New Zealand princess (kind of) who now lives in America and doesn’t know what to do during the Pledge of Allegiance (probably because she’s used to people bowing down to her wherever she goes). She’s also my first guest blogger ever.

During her early years in New Zealand, Royce spent her days killing seagulls and selling them off to drunk people as chickens, and braving her neighbor’s electric fence to filch free milk from their cattle (we all know the fence wasn’t for the cows). Not exactly Princess Diana, but she certainly never lacked for character building experiences.

All in all, I love this girl, and you will too. So, with no further adeau, here’s a little sumpin’ from my favorite New Zealand princess:

“I witnessed the World’s Most Extraordinary Mother in action today. I
saw her exhibit exceptional parenting skills right in front of me, in
line at the bank.

I could see her five children – none older than eight years of age,
sitting primly in a row on the foyer chairs. I marveled at the fact
that not one of them was fidgeting, pummeling their neighbour or
wiping snot on their chairs, this being, as you know, Required Bank
Behaviour.  By some unspoken agreement this behaviour is perpetuated
at Church, Restaurants and Libraries with a slight addition for
Grandma’s house – that of peeing in the rose bushes. They know the
protocol and they stick to it.

Until now.

I watched them, fascinated by the reverence these children were emanating.

Then the Worlds Most Extraordinary Mother called out to her children.
And when I say, “called”, I mean, “screamed”.  With consummate skill
she delivered the following…

“WHAT THE SAM HILL ARE YOU DOING AMANDA?  DON’T TELL ME YOU DIDN’T
TOUCH HIM… YOU KNOW I’VE GOT EYES IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD!  ARE YOU
TRYING TO MAKE ME ANGRY?  BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN!  I’M
GONNA GIVE YOU A THUMBS DOWN…. A THUMBS D-O-W-N!
THAT MEANS NO SLURPIE FOR YOU!  DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT ASKING ME FOR A
SLURPIE! SLURPIES ARE FOR GOOD CHILDREN!
I’M GONNA BE DONE IN FIVE MINUTES AND WHEN I COME GET YOU, YOU BETTER
BE THUMBS UP BEHAVING OR NOBODY AND I MEAN NOBODY, IS GONNA GET NO
SLURPIE TODAY!”

I watched her – my mouth open in disbelief!  In fact, customers and
staff alike stood in awe!  I felt like I was watching Dr. Phil in a
dress!

Using public humiliation as a disciplinary tool is a lost art.  The
tirade was delivered so skillfully that I almost didn’t notice the
double negative, which was the only thing I could fault her with.  (I
don’t think anyone else noticed so she may have gotten away with it.)

This also brought to mind an important point, that it’s time we
honoured the slurpie for the essential role it plays in child-rearing.

In fact, I’m going to go get three age appropriate slurpies this very minute.”

Thank you, darling Royce, I’ll offer up my alliegance to you any day. Sluuurrrrp.


Comments

  1. Slurpees make everyone behave. Maybe I can give one to an evil coworker.

  2. Gosh-the last thing I want is a thumbs D-O-W-N. How scary.

  3. HOW HILARIOUS. I’m sometimes skip guest posts but I’m SO glad I didn’t skip this one. Hilarious.

  4. Too funny! If only I could get my babies to behave. I am the Mom that has a pocket full of sugar willing to give as much as it takes to keep the kiddies quiet. I can’t wait to see your office/crafting space, please share!

  5. Love Royce! She is a great Kiwi, isn’t she?

  6. My kids would lead a slurpee-free life if I had this system going.

  7. I think I found my newest blog bff. That Kiwi is freaking hilarious. Good find, Annie!

  8. Funny, and sad, and mostly funny.

  9. Hey, my bro-in-law is a Kiwi. =] We love the kiwi’s. (Seriously. Nicest people in the world!)

    Sad thing about that mom. And I say this while mine are currently shrieking like prehistoric animals and strange thumps and crashes sound from upstairs. *sigh*

  10. Yes, I love Good Things Come to Those Who Blog-great guest post. Well, what can I say? You’d have to think that most moms who have control get it some way…now we know.

  11. I scream at my kids all the time. But they don’t take me seriously, not until the toys start making their way to the trash can. Then they’re sorry!

    (Loved the guest post, too funny!)

  12. That is just too funny! Now that really makes me miss being able to run to the 7-11 on any given corner (in Utah) and grab a slurpee. There are no 7-11’s here in Montana, therefore no slurpee….. Bummer! But they do have a huckleberry freeze which is pretty good if it wasn’t like 19 degrees (or colder) outside 🙂

  13. Now I know why my girls have issues minding! There aren’t any 7-11s in Houston…sad.