Good thing I don’t have to wear lingerie this Sunday.

So last night at nine-thirty I was sitting at the computer–cream cheese coated bagel in hand–thinking of what an awesome skinny plan I came up with yesterday. Man, when I put that plan into action, watch out. By the time my man gets home I’ll be rocking those skinny jeans (aka lycra spandex leggings printed with photos of denim material–really subtle stuff. One size fits most.).

(For the record, the plan will start as soon as I finish these last six bagels. In case you are struggling with the math, that’s about four bagels a day so I should be starting Saturday–except no one starts a diet on the weekend, so I’ll restock the bagel bin and start on Monday. Go me.)

You know your husband is lonely when you sit down at the computer to skype with three largish kids on your lap, ratty clothes and no makeup, where only the tip of your rumpled hair is showing, and yet the first words out of his mouth are, “Baby, you look so pretty tonight…” [Insert really lonely and slightly charming cow-eyed gaze.]

I volunteered in Harry’s class yesterday and managed to avoid all lightning bolts and mob gatherings. Besides, my hives weren’t even visible to anyone (I get them on my chest, but considering the audience, didn’t feel a low cut shirt was appropriate). It was a great experience, one I plan to repeat several times over for the remainder of the school year, including for Friday’s Valentine’s Day party.

So since my man is out of town, I’ve decided that I’m in the perfect position to tell everyone else what I think a good Valentine Girl would do this coming Sabbath. (Actually, we might want to keep the Sabbath out of it.) My suggestion for ensuring that you have a zesty holiday goes like this:

1. Tell him today that you can’t wait to surprise him on Valentine’s Day, and that you’ve got something amazing cooked up for him. Then wink and adjust your bra.

2. Plan something amazing just in case.

3. Dope the children with Benadryl on Sunday night after family prayers.

4. Let him give you a full body massage.

5. Fall asleep during the massage, then tell him in the morning that it was the best Valentine’s Day ever, and that he’s so thoughtful and selfless.

Boy, I bet Jason is wishing right about now that he was going to be here for Valentine’s Day.


  1. Adam will be gone too. Oh, wait, he’ll be home like at 10. I guess we can still have him give me the massage.

  2. Unfortunately Benadryl has the opposite effect on my kids. I’d rather forgo the bouncing off the walls at midnight scene.

  3. HAHAHAHAH! Ahhhh…. good times, good times. Thanks for the laugh!

  4. Love it. That would definately be a good valentine’s.

  5. Love those ideas, funny lady!

  6. Brilliant!!! 🙂

    And I LOVE the bagel diet! Right now I have a similar banana nut bread diet going. 🙂 Hey, so I feel a little squishy around the hips… the real diet starts Monday! 😉

  7. The great thing about amazing lingerie that my husband is always so happy to see it that he thinks I am incredible and doesn’t even notice any slightly bumpy, untoned areas. He also doesn’t complain how much I spend on it. I wish he didn’t notice how much I spent on coats and boots either. Absolutely want that massage!

  8. You make me laugh.

    I got chided by my eighteen year old today for wearing to low cut of a shirt. Whatever.

  9. This was really funny! Even the title, I had completely forgotten it was Valentine’s on Sunday (how could I?!?) and was trying to imagine where you might be going with a title like that, for a moment I was thinking that maybe lingerie was some kind of weird sunday regular.

  10. Your V-day plan sounds ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. Seriously. I’m swooning.

  11. ROFL! I’m totally doing that for Valentines!

  12. Found your site through a link on another blog. Love your writing! And I LOVE your Valentine’s Day suggestion! Funny – (and I’ll use it!)