Raquel Welch is smart about sex

Oprah does nothing for me. I haven’t sat down and watched an episode of Oprah since Harrison was a new born, when I began to realize that she’s only human and not necessarily much better at it than anyone else. Shocker, I know. I’m sure I’ll be struck down by the Cable gods any second now.

So I’m here in Florida for a few days, camping inside the hotel room with a righteous burn on my legs, and I see that Raquel Welch is on the Big O today talking about her new book. First I just stopped to gawk at how well preserved she is, but then she said something that I think is totally awesome.

Raquel thinks our culture puts way too much emphasis on sex in a relationship. Considering the fact that I am in a relationship, and (with regards to my current knocked up state) I obviously have sex, I found her thoughts not only intriguing, but wise. Plus, since my post last week, I’ve been thinking about intimacy in marriage and how it factors in, especially for women.

According to Raquel’s wisdom, sex is important, but what it should be is reflection of your relationship, of the tenderness and kindness and thoughtfulness, not the end all be all. In other words, if he has nothing to say to you in the kitchen, you probably don’t have much to say to him in the bedroom.

Here’s the thing. We’ve got to be startlingly clear with our men about our bedroom requirements. I say that because I think if a man’s unhappy in the bedroom, he’s allowed to tell us about it. I also think that if we’re unhappy in the living room, we should tell him right back. It’s not fair for us to hold that over his head, but it’s certainly not fair for him to expect something for nothing.

The trick is all in the semantics. Every guy is different, but where my man is concerned, I find the triple threat approach works best: tell him to his face, tell it to his email account, tell it to his boss–whatever it takes for him to absorb what you’re saying.

But the real catch is that you can’t just ask for what you want, you have to barter like fish trader. If you will do that, I will do this. I can tell you right now, men are logical beings. Give them an equation that equals a good payout and they’ll give you exactly what you want.

They’ll learn to love doing dishes, believe me.


  1. Are you saying I need to sleep around more? You tramp!! 🙂

    Did you ever get your problem figured out?

    And I haven’t watched an Oprah episode since the sex offender one. It was awesome.

    • annie valentine says:

      Can’t fix the problem because I’m on stupid wordpress. Note to all: stay with blogger.

  2. Blogger’s being a jerk, too. Maybe it’s like I-Robot, and all of our blogs are rebelling.

    And you are absolutely correct, sister! I especially liked the “something for nothing” observation. For that matter, I have thought that because I would like help with this house sometimes, or my husband fielding a kid crisis from time to time (and our kids are big, so their crises are big!), I am justified in making that partnership the “something” he gets his “something” for.

    And he knows the terms. I don’t expect him to read my mind. 25 years and going strong, ladies!

  3. Amen sister. I was just thinking the other day (as I know you are in the generally same boat as I)– why does my hubby come home from being out of town for like, ever, and expect lots and lots of sex? That’s great, buuuuut, I’ve also been like, by myself forever, no adults, lots of kids, all those fun dishes, loads of laundry. . .

  4. I just like you. Why don’t we know each other in real life?

  5. I see what you’re saying, but I don’t like to think of it as bartering. Makes it sound like sex is just something for a man’s benefit, when truly, if you’re not enjoying it (although I realize this is not what you’re saying), if he has to barter to get it – something’s wrong there. Sex should be a mutually enjoyable activity you both look forward to, and there should be compromise on both sides as to the frequency.

    We’ve been married for 15 years and there have been periods of time when I wanted it more and periods of time where he wanted it more – it’s about being understanding of where the other person is at and trying to meet in the middle. Trying to consider your partner’s needs – NOT saying, well, I will do this, if you will do that. I think that’s kind of the opposite of healthy. Then you’re making it about your own needs again, instead of actually caring about meeting the other person’s needs.

    When I’m pregnant I’m always RAGINGLY frisky, and my husband is NOT. It would’ve really ticked me off if he’d said, well, I’ll meet your needs in the bedroom but only if you do the dishes. Like, what – I have to pay for it? I don’t like that idea at all.

    Whether or not I do the dishes should be a totally separate deal.

    Now if what you’re actually saying is, when my husband does things he knows will make me happy, then I naturally feel more loving and sexual toward him – then – yes. And visa versa. But not intentional bartering.

    • annie valentine says:

      That’s the ideal relationship, Sue, but the sad facts are that there are so many couples out there who aren’t even in that ballpark–couples who need to find some way to get together again, even if it means striking a deal.

      Like Raquel said, it should be a reflection of the relationship, but too often it’s used as a manipulation tool in a painful way. If that’s the case, I’d rather see an honest bargain than an underhanded manipulation.

      • Annie, I agree with Sue. My husband and I are working on our 28th year together, and we don’t barter sex for chores, or whatever. We also don’t call each other names when we fight. In 28 years, we’ve had a lot of fights, believe me! We luckily have enough respect for each other that we don’t manipulate each other in regards to sex, and if I had to strike a bargain with him just to get laid, then that would tell me my marriage isn’t a real marriage at all, but a relationship of convenience. The physical aspect of marriage really is the bonding of two into one. Anything less than that, and I would need a shower to wash off the icky feelings left behind.

  6. Boy Annie, you’re good at bringing up interesting subjects!
    It’s like most of us have been saying all along, it takes lots of things like Love, patience, understanding, etc. etc.
    It’s obvious that sexual needs/wants differ from men to women, that’s why it’s SO important to have a good working relationship with your spouse BEFORE sex is ever a part of it. And after we are all nestled into a good relationship, we HAVE to keep chatting about this stuff. Our minds and bodies change as we get older and more comfortable. What worked two, five, ten, or whatever years ago, just may not work today.

  7. I figured out Oprah was a big fat fraud years ago, and refuse to watch, listen or advocate anything she has to say. Merely on principle.

    Now Raquel. Since my Dad had the ultimate crush on her, I am thinking she must be of value somehow. Your post confirmed it.

    For the record, Splenda Daddy rarely needs to be told anything. He can and DOES read my non-verbal communication perfectly!

  8. Wow, it’s great to know I’m not the only one that does not enjoy watching Oprah! I can’t remember the last time I watched an episode. The woman drives me crazy for some reason, as do all the googly-eyed fans she has hanging on her every word.

    Anyway, great post! My husband and I have definitely had to compromise and find ways to make each other happy. I agree with you- I am more than happy to express love in a way he likes as long as he makes an effort to express love in ways that speak to me too. It’s only fair.

    In regards to your previous post, while I may not be a nymphomaniac, I take care of my man because I love him (and hey, I like it too! Just maybe not as often…) It frustrates me to hear of women who refuse to engage in sex with their own husbands. We’re friends with another couple and my husband was telling me about how this other guy was venting about how his wife holds out on him. He tried to work out a deal with her where they would have sex once a week, but even though he follows through on his end of the deal she does not. Once a week! I think that’s pretty darn reasonable. Poor guy…

    Thanks for bringing up a topic most people (especially in good ol’ Utah) are afraid to bring up 🙂

  9. There is also another side to sex. The spiritual side. Thought there wasn’t one? Check out the book “And They Were Not Ashamed” Very enlightening if you haven’t read it.

  10. While I have agreed with you on most subjects, I personally don’t agree with you on this one.

    But…it is all good. Every marriage is different and I feel it is important to do what works for you (and your husband).


    • annie valentine says:

      If it makes you feel better, I’m not a barterer, never have been, never needed to be. But for couples who can’t seem to get together or agree on the when and how, it’s a starting place.

  11. Where are the photos of your red legs? I bet you look HAWT!

  12. Ah, the barter system.
    My girlfriend here told me that her mother ALWAYS made her dad PAY for it. YES, you heard me right.
    Lets see………that’s gonna cost ya$$$$$

    but communication is key….if you can’t relate while doing dishes, sitting on the pot, taking up more then your share of room on the sofa…..things probably won’t go so well in the bedroom.

    I used to be SO Oprah……has just died out for me.

  13. Sheesh, I miss commenting on this blog for a few weeks and look what happens! FWIW, I agree with you that this sort of clear arrangement (I don’t really like the term barter even though I know what you mean) can be a good starting point, especially if there are some issues in the marriage. It would be nice if we could all just intuit our spouse’s needs and wants, but since that’s not possible, then this sort of clear arrangement can be a really beneficial first step.

    I gave a fireside for our stake last year and talked about this same thing. I was surprised how many men seemed surprised that their wives would connect the two and how many women were surprised to find out that sex was a legit need and not just a crazy, animal-like urge.