Stupid Pamela Anderson

I hate Pamela Anderson.

So the fam and I have been soaking up the southern Utah rays the past few days (hence my blog free foray). Sounds great right? All rainbows and sunburns.

Honestly, I was so excited to go to the pool. I know, pregnant albino whales don’t usually feel anxious to don a bikini with a maternity tank top and float around in public places, but I really thought I was over it. I mean, I’m a confident gestating woman, right? I have no problem rocking the tummy panel and changing out my stilettos for flats (okay, so that one has been hard.) But when it comes right down to it, I have no current pregnant complaints.

(We all know that last statement was a lie.)

So just when I’m feeling all light and buoyant, checking my top for tan lines, this stupid Pamela Anderson Minus Ten Years woman walks into the water area. Not only is she skinny and tan and blond and bikini clad, but her oil saturated body was followed by no less than four children.

Oh my gosh, she even took my excuse away. Those blasted kids.

In point two seconds I went from feeling like a┬áprima-donna fertile goddess of the sun, to a pasty roly-poly newly emerged from under her winter rock. All I could think of was, “How can I disappear without anyone noticing I’m gone?” I’ve never wanted to get my hair wet so badly. I think I spent the majority of the following hour completely submerged in I Hate That Girl horror.

And yeah, I’m vain. If I’m being really honest, the only reason I hated her was because more than anything in the world, at that moment, I kind of wanted to be her, boob job and all.

The only slightly redeemable aspect to this entire self-confidence crushing fiasco was the fact that somehow, my husband managed to not look at her (or at least he did it undetected). Trust me, I glared and glowered at him from across the pool for nearly ten minutes, with just my angry eyes peeking out from the depths of the kiddie section.

I don’t know if it’s his super special secret agent training or what, but during that very green spell of my life, he managed to almost fool me into believing that he hadn’t seen her, and that she wasn’t hot enough to warrant a glance from him.

He did lovingly pat my thigh later and tell me that I was the most beautiful albino whale he’d ever seen. Yeah. And we all know how well that comment went over.


Comments

  1. kpulsipher says:

    He is so romantic!!

  2. OK I’m sure she is the foreign exotic nanny and did not give birth to those children, or she made a pact with the devil. Those are the only 2 possible scenarios.

  3. Life is so unfair – especially for us fair skinned gals!

  4. What a funny post. I never dared go any where near a pool while pregnant. No matter how hot I was, there was no way I was getting my stretch marked wide load of a butt into a bikini bottom, let alone a pool!

  5. Being 28 weeks pregnant myself, I too am having my good and bad moments attempting to reconcile myself with the body shape.

    I’ve been lucky though that I have yet to swap out my high heels for more casual foot attire. No matter what, they make me feel tall and skinny, neither of which I was before getting pregnant anyway.

  6. I’m sorry. If I’d known how my being there was making you feel, I would have stayed in the jacuzzi.

  7. I’m cracking up at DeNae’s comment. Annie, you shouldn’t be so passive aggressive. DeNae can take it.

    I’m betting that woman was the stepmom. And I’ve missed you. Glad you’re back!

  8. It was lovely meeting you today and you are a beautiful pregnant woman.

  9. Last year at the pool, I noticed that there was a gaggle of surgically enhanced and oil-tanned moms lounging around in their lawn chairs. I felt a lot like you did. I saw a mom in the pool playing with her children and laughing and just being a great mom, so I went up to her and told her that despite all the ladies trying so hard, I thought she was the prettiest mom at the whole pool. I felt like a retard saying it, but she told me I made her day. I think those of us who recognize real beauty should point it out more often because we’re all haunted by those silicone, bronze pool demons.

  10. It is amazing that Pamela Anderson still looks attractive as a mother of 2 kids. She is my favorite and I love her so much.