Here’s this week’s Regarding Annie column, pasted in.
“Last Friday my husband came home from work absolutely exhausted.
In memory of a fallen comrade who lost his life in the line of duty, his office does an annual ruck sack march. It’s a 13 mile trek across wild terrain, carrying a 30 pound pack.
Mr. Tough Guy did it in just over two hours, the first in his group to finish. Impressive. Of course, the moment he walked in the door, all his quiet strength flew out the window.
“I’m so sore!” he says, “You’ve got to feel this pack, you might not think it’s that big of a deal, but this was seriously tough.”
I went over and lifted his pack. Yep, felt about like 30 pounds. Now how would I know what 30 pounds feels like? Oh wait. That’s how much extra weight I’ve been carrying on my poor abused body for the past month.
“Look at these marks from the pack,” he says, showing me a few spots where his load had rubbed him wrong. I immediately thought of my permanent stretch marks, the ones that never go away.
“And I’ve got blisters,” he says, taking off his socks and showing me two slightly raised spots on his heels. Wow, I forgot what it was like to be able to lace up shoes. With my recent swelling, I’ve reverted to a hobbit-like state and can usually be found barefoot. What I wouldn’t give for the chance to trade that in for an afternoon blister.
“Honey,” I said very sweetly, “You do realize that not only am I carrying 30 extra pounds right now, but I don’t get to take it off, my shoes don’t fit, and I’ve got permanent stretch marks. And frankly, 30 pounds is a lot more on me than it is on you.” Did I mention my broken back?
“Well,” he says defensively, “It’s not like the baby weighs 30 pounds.”
Yes, he really said that. This was another moment to chalk up on my, “Why Men Are Dumber Than Women” chart. Frankly, there are some things you just don’t say to a pregnant woman, and that right there is one of them.
It took about two seconds for him to realize that he’d crossed over into the Land of Really Stupid Remarks.
“Do you have any idea what my body is going through right now?” I said to him.
“Uhh…”
“Do you know what it feels like to relinquish every ounce of personal space you once delighted in? To never really be alone? To see the scale and your waistline increase daily, and know that even though you’re trying to eat fruit and vegetables, the baby insists that you eat ice cream and cookies as well? Do you think I’m choosing this!?”
He stood there dumbfounded, not quite sure how to respond, and very aware that he was walking in a pregnant mine field.
“What would you like me to do?” he asked quietly.
“Put that pack back on and clean the house, then we’ll talk.”
Sometimes justice is a beautiful thing.”
HAHAHAHA
When I was attempting to secure one of my HUSBAND’S belts around my girth yesterday, he watched with wide eyes.
When I finally determined which belt hole would fit, using a mirror because I can no longer see below my belly button, he said “wow” in quiet awe.
I asked him what that was for… and he said he just can’t believe how big I am.
Thanks sweetie.
I’m never getting pregnant.
Great column Annie! LOL!
You are my hero! What a lovely way to put him in his place hehe! They just don’t understand do they?
He got owned! Good luck with your bassinet hunting today.
Hahahahahahahahahahaha! I love it! At least you didn’t make him wear one of those fake pregnancy bellies for the march. That would be the ultimate revenge!
Way to put him in his place!
Bahahahaha. Sometimes men are such sissies. Sometimes they are great, but sometimes, BIG SISSIES.
I laughed until I snorted.
Then I read it to my husband.
At one point while nursing, I was pumping milk to leave with the babysitter. My hubby was getting out of the shower and I comment on how it hurt to pump. “But look at how fast it goes!” he said, “it won’t hurt for too long.” And then he followed it up with, “Really? Does it really hurt?” Hon, come here for a second, was my reply. I swiftly change the pump from me to him in about 2 seconds and you should of seen his face. Like his guts were gonna come out into the bottle. I think he started to rub my feet or something equally relaxing after that episode. 🙂
If there is anything in life I wish a husband could truly understand, it would be the trials of a pregnant wife. I have wanted Bryce to know what I am going through…when is the next hike? He’s coming, 30 pound pack and all.
Then I will definitely have him scrub toilets, vacuum, dust, make dinner, get the groceries, haul a screaming 2 year old through a store, carpool, go Visiting Teaching, mop floors……
Sigh… maybe this time he’ll learn. 🙂
As soon as I started reading that I knew where it was going. I mentioned plenty of times that when he came in from soreness doing who knows what I would say, “welcome to the last 9 months buddy!”
Your experience is much more perfect… but I felt ya!
LOL… way to put him in his place Annie! Love it!
I do so love when men put their foot in their mouth, and proceed to choke on it. I’m so glad you knew what to do to get justice.
Ah, wonderful truth!
ROFLMAO!!! You. Kill. Me. That’s completely hilarious! It really is amazing how they just walk straight into the mind field without thinking sometimes… poor fellas. If I had a nickle for every moment in the day when that crazy part of me thinks, “my husband has no idea what being pregnant is really like and boy would he be a baby about it…” I’d sure have a lot of nickles. 😉