The pinch

I am so not ready for my girdle.

It’s a funny thing, this issue we call “body image”. I would like to tell you that I’m deep and confident and not at all concerned with how I look. I would also like to tell you that I’m currently wearing a size four and married to Michael Buble. Not happening.

Last week our babysitter was over (she’s 17 and I love her and want to adopt her forever), and Jason casually made the comment that I’m obsessed with my weight. He didn’t say it was a good or a bad thing, but I got totally defensive. I ranted and raved about how non-obsessive I am, how hip and stable and…oh screw it. He was right and I knew it (he also very kindly did not judge me for this).

So here I am, wishing I was uber-skinny and that I didn’t need to keep running over to Ross just so I’d have something other than stretch pants and tent shirts to wear, and I remembered today that I haven’t tried on my girdle for the past week. Since things are still shrinking, and since I had a brunch date out in public, I decided to strap the old girl on, just to see if she was game.

It might have been slightly painful, but once I was all stuffed in there the difference was astounding. Gone was the protruding post-baby bump (least attractive feature ever), and in it’s place stood a nipped in waist and thighs that were notably smaller (it’s a serious girdle, people). I felt so good about my girdle that I didn’t even waste time worrying about my four-day grease ball twisted up on top of my head.

However, by the time I got to the restaurant I thought I might die of suffocation. Just because you can get a girdle on doesn’t mean you should wear it. I spent an hour and a half trying to keep the top from rolling down like some kind of overactive window shade. (It did not, however, keep me from eating a quiche and two of Mimi’s bran muffins.)

Give me two more weeks and that girdle and I will be reestablishing our relationship all over the place.


  1. I will never stop wondering why you are always torturing yourself. Ever since we met you have gaining and losing. Gaining and losing. And losing. And losing. And losing. Gaining never made you ugly and losing never made you more beautiful.

    STOP the madness Annie!

    You are gorgeous.
    You are sexy.
    You are witty.
    You are intelligent.
    You give life.
    You give love.

    Please take a moment to look at yourself in the mirror, take off your Annie eyes and put on the glasses through which your Father and the rest of us see you. Please. Your kids are watching.

    Love you — you brat.

  2. I have bought something like this too. I wore it when I went out for a concert with my girlfriends. After you have been sweating like crazy (and you will because it makes you so hot) it is nearly impossible to pull it down to go to the bathroom. Seriously, I think my friends thought I fell in the toilet but I just couldn’t get them down and then the getting them back up part, Oy!

  3. Seriously, you were looking skinny!! You had a baby 3 efffing weeks ago!!

  4. I have never worn one in my life. I am not a happy camper when I am squished. I think you need to remember that you are loved, just as you are. Torture is not necessary. And if someone thinks it is, they are not worth having for your friend. I am not saying that you shouldn’t lose weight if YOU want to, I mayself am on a serious diet and have lost 34 pounds, but until I decided to lose it for me and not because of anyone or anything else, I was not able to be successful. It really isn’t a diet. It is a lifestyle change and I know that I will have to be careful for the rest of my life.
    All I am saying, is that you are just fine the way you are right this minute. You will lose the weight when you are ready to. You do not need to hide behind a girdle. We all think you are beautiful just the way you are!!!

  5. I have a love/hate relationship with my girdle and I owe it all to you. YOU made me buy one.

    I love to hate it because it makes me feel super skinny and like I want to puke up my spleen– all at the same time.

  6. Sweetheart, if you can’t be a little pudgy post-pardom, when can you be? Take the freaking girdle off!

  7. I totally get you on this. Girdles suck, but are so useful (usually only when you will be standing and only standing..). There is nothing more beautiful than giving birth, blah, blah, WE ALL KNOW THAT! But there is nothing more frustrating than standing in your closet bouncing your beautiful bundle on your hip while you survey clothes that are now approxiametly 2 sizes too small because you have 20 pounds of fat to lose.

    Yes, you still love yourself, yes, your hubby still loves you, but come on! It still sucks and you still want to complain about it. I know you don’t have issues, but just want to be back where you were.

  8. Oh, Annie. You’re gorgeous. *hug* Girdle or no, tiny or not, I love ya.

  9. Ugh. I share this obsession. Even though I’m running like 45 miles a week (probably closer to 10) and doing spin class and Pilates, I have lost the same two damned pounds fifteen times in the past 3 months. I have run three races this summer and strangely, my 5k time has gotten progressively slower . . . I’m doing another one Saturday. Maybe since we’re at the beach, the sea level will work in my favor and I’ll be able to see some progress . . . any progress. I don’t want to win, but improvement sure would be nice!

    And I can’t believe I’ve never bought a girdle before. But then again, I like to eat when I go out for dinner, so maybe it’s best if I avoid that section of the department store next time I’m in.

    Love you. You’re beautiful, but I know that compliment doesn’t count, since you just wrote about body issues. Even though I mean it!

  10. Brett and I went to dinner with a friend from out of town, and I actually had to excuse myself, go into the ladies’ room, and remove my girdle. I was getting DIZZY! Literally, I was hoping I wouldn’t faint along the way.

    I read somewhere that you should put on a tough girdle for a couple of hours every day to bring your hips and ribs back into place while the ‘bone shifting’ hormones are still floating around in your system.

    Or I could be making that whole thing up. You never know with me, huh?

  11. You nut. You look radiant.

  12. Oh, Annie! I feel the same way!!! I keep telling myself “it took 9 months to make that baby bump; be patient while it takes some time for it to fade away.” however, I’m definitely checking the mirror too much, seeing if it’s smaller today, as well as fantasizing over girdles. I’m totally gonna jump on that soon. *wink*

    p.s. Birth story will be posted on my blog soon; this recovery has been too much for me to blog during, lol. xoxo

  13. Thank you for reminding me of my girdle! Go easy on yourself, and all that good stuff, because it has been less than a month since you gave birth. That being said, I completely understand the desire to wear normal people clothing, and look good doing it.

  14. It’s all relative my dear. I am one year away from 60—-that is freaking crap. I’d love to loose about 30 lbs………….seriously. It just “happened”.
    When I put on a girdle, it just shifts the fat to OTHER places…………….weird.
    I miss my skinny self
    I miss my young self
    I miss firm butts and stand up boobs
    but,…………..alas, tis gone. and I love THIS part of my life.
    forget the girdle, you are probably much thinner and cuter then you give yourself credit for.

  15. I just wanted to say I’m thinking of you. I hope you are enjoying your little one and snuggling her neck and breathing her in for me. Try not to worry to much about those little things. Enjoy your babes Annie, you are a incredible mom and I hope you know that.

  16. You were darling! And you made me get all sentimental about your girdle at one point. You said, “my girdle is killing me”. And I thought you said, “girl” so I was all, “ohhhh….really? I’m sorry!” Kristina looked at me like I had lobsters crawling out of my ears. “She said ‘girdle’. ”

    “Oh. Never mind, then.”

    Love you! You’re darling!!