my new girdle

Here’s this week’s column. It came in the mail, and next week I’m posting my miraculous before and after photos.

“There is a reason cable television sells things in the middle of the night.

I’m a nursing mother. Last week, 3:00 am came and my usual Law and Order rerun was not to be found, so I did the one thing you should never do in the middle of the night: I decided to check out the infomercials. And what do you think I found? An industrial strength, life-changing, figure-modifying girdle.

This baby was nothing short of miraculous. It was taking women from a size sixteen to what appeared to be a four faster than you can say Jenny Craig. And to top it off, the first 50,000 callers would receive the bottom half of the girdle (two pieces!) for FREE. But wait, if I called within the first minute, I’d receive an entire additional set in black for FREE. Three free girdles for the price of one? It was too good to be true!

(No really, it was too good to be true.)

“Thank you for calling this morning, can I get your name?” said the cheery midnight operator.

“Hi, I’m calling to buy a girdle.”

“Congratulations on being one of our first callers, this qualifies you to receive the original garment at the reduced price of $29.99, plus a ten dollar processing fee–” wait, what? “with three more additional pieces, including the set in black, all FREE, plus an additional ten dollar processing fee per garment.”

With my sleep deprived math skills working against me, I realized that I had better do some fast editing or I was going to be spending a small fortune on underwear.

“Would you like to receive the three additional pieces for FREE, plus the ten dollar processing fee per garment?” the operator asked.

“You know, I think I’ll be good with the first two.” Free my soon-to-be-much-smaller rear end.

“No problem, ma’am. And congratulations, it looks like you qualify for a FREE 30-day trial from Coupon Plus, including a $50 gift card to Wal Mart. All I need is a credit card number.”

“For a free trial?” I asked.

“Yes ma’am. If you keep your membership, a small fortune of $24.99 will be withdrawn from your account each month. Should you cancel in the first 30 days, you will still receive the FREE gift card.”

I’ve got four kids and Christmas right around the corner. This wasn’t a hard decision. “Fine, sign me up.”

“Wow,” she said, “this is certainly your lucky day, it looks like you’ve been randomly selected to receive another FREE 30-day trial to Value Plus’ competitor, Free Coupon Plus, with another FREE $50 gift card to Wal Mart. If you cancel within the first 30 days, you will still receive your gift card. All I need is your credit card number. Again.”

Wanna guess what I did? Come on, we’re talking about free money just for being awake at 3:00 am, people.Β  No one else wants to pay me toΒ  nurse.

“Can I be done now?” I asked.

“You should buy a lottery ticket,” she said, “because you’ve just been randomly selected to receive a FREE trip for two to Bermuda. All I need is your–”

“Credit card number,” I said. “Do I have to go to Bermuda?” At this point we were rounding on 4 am, the baby was fast asleep, and I was throwing money at the telephone like some kind of talking zombie.

“Well, no, I suppose you don’t have to go to Bermuda,” she said.

“Great. Can I go to bed now?”

Right before hanging up, the operator told me that at least one out of every four callers is a nursing mother. Those girdle people, they know their clientelle.”


  1. I definitely think you should also get the Booty Popper.

  2. Is this for the shapewear that makes your thighs into a shapely behind? And your tummy fat into bigger boobs? I have nearly been seduced by this myself. I MUST see pictures.

  3. This is a win. Great job. And I want to see the photographic proof, too.

  4. Picture now. πŸ™‚

  5. I get so confused with these kinds of things. And I won’t tell you how often I’ve been taken in. πŸ™

    PS…I started both my older daughters on violin when they were 3. My oldest really pushed me into taking the lessons, she was dying to do it. And she has really taken to it and loves it. My middle daughter lasted a year, and now she does piano instead. Violin just wasn’t right for her.

    Yes, I sit in on all lessons, and if I can’t, my husband does. Suzuki violin requires parents to do that until the kid is a little older. I just do it for piano because our lessons are far away and it doesn’t make sense to do otherwise. But it does help me to be a better practicing mom, I’ve found. I know what needs to happen and how to help them because I sat in and watched. Unless I fell asleep that lesson, which is happening more and more…

  6. OK Annie…we want BEFORE and AFTER pic’s.
    Oh man, I hate sometimes trying to buy things off a tv infomurcial (sp)
    I end up on the phone for 1/2 hour going through all the crap they try and sell and the FREE stuff costing me XX amount of dollars to ship .bla bla bla bla
    I haven’t had good success with that sort of thing.

    gosh, those 3 a.m. feeding of mind seem like hundreds of years ago.
    Now I just have my 3 a.m. get up and pee sessions.

  7. Ok, remind me NEVER to watch TV at 3:00am. I know my wallet can’t afford the “free” gifts! Hope you love what you bought. Most of all, I hope it works exactly like you want it too.

  8. At our house, the kids are the ones who enjoy the infomercials.
    Saturdays are difficult for me, because they can watch the stupid commercials for half the day and then spend the other half of the day begging us to buy them stuff.

    If it were up to the children, we would own every knife, kitchen gadget and cleaning product available.

  9. Do you want me to send you an email in the next few weeks to remind you to cancel that 30-day trial? Cause I will.
    And my husband needs to read this so he’ll know why he shouldn’t cancel mt netflix subscriptions when I am about to start nursing…

  10. I like to stick to nice and safe reruns on Nick at Night for those middle of the night feedings. Although if this girdle thing works out, I may have to start surfing the infomercial circuit.

  11. Yes, before and after pics please!!! Can’t wait to see it! Oh, and show us what you buy with those free $50 Walmart gift cards too…and the credit card bill when you forget to cancel. πŸ˜‰

  12. I always read your posts and thank the Lord that my kiddies were fast nursers! . . . . they had to swallow (gulp) fast or I’d of drowned them! Never had much time to watch tv or even to read, drat it all!

    I’m fascinated with all this “girdle” talk also . . . . . . I can’t stand anything tight around my middle! I’ll be waiting for the before and after pics . . . .maybe it’ll change my mind about girdles!


  13. Having been on the other end of those infomercials (I was the operator you might have talked to had you called 20 yrs ago) all I can say is “God bless you & we’ll surely say many prayers for you” or something like that. It was 20 yrs ago & there were lots of products/tv evangelists. Although after further thinking, I might have to stop watching tivo’d shows just to see some of these juicy things!

  14. I heard you could get this at Wal-Mart, too.