big fat cheating husbands

I am not a jealous woman.

HAHAHAHAHA! I really had you going there, didn’t I?

To be honest, I’m pretty darn secure in my relationship with Mr. T. We’ve been together for 12 years and to date, he’s never given me any reason to believe he was anything but hopelessly devoted to myself and my legs. He ignores other women in general and somehow manages to put off the most successful No Trespassing vibe I’ve ever seen in my life.

And still I find myself ready to pee on his leg if he even mentions one of his old Jr. High girlfriends.

A few weeks ago we were visiting during date night. “Hey,” he said, “I was talking to Tommy the other day and he said the funniest thing.”

Now Tommy and Jason have been friends for years, he’s cute and sweet and fun and I absolutely love the guy. Let me rephrase that, not love, loved.

“He thinks I’ve got an itch,” Jason said.

“An itch? What are you talking about?”

“You know, an itch. He doesn’t believe a man can go through life with just one woman. Don’t worry, he says it’s not about you, he thinks you’re great, he just thinks that men need to experience a ‘variety’ to be truly satisfied. Ha ha! Have you ever heard anything more ridiculous?”

I just stared at him. There he sat, thinking the whole episode was borderline hysterical, while I was considering the best way to go about borrowing his gun and killing good old Tom with my own two hands.

I am darn lucky that my husband just happens to be happily married, because it’s comments like that that make a man question his marriage, his dedication and in some cases his life.

I recently read an article about a national study done on couples who either waited until marriage, or didn’t give in to romantic temptation before they had established a solid friendship and only experienced one lover in their lifetime. Not a surprise that in many cases, couples are happier and more sexually active than their bedroom busy counterparts. The stats are completely in our favor.

People who let their spouses do the scratching are ultimately happier.

If I could get away with it, I would like to give old Tom Tom a piece of my mind. Any man who thinks satisfaction in the bedroom comes from mindless sex with some stranger, or sneaking around behind your wife’s back (and yeah, he’s married) is a sad, sorry excuse for a lover.

Being a lover isn’t about technique or experience, it’s about trust. The only reason I can give my complete, uninhibited self to my husband on a regular basis is because I believe with all my heart that he would never soil our intimacy with something as dirty and selfish as screwing around behind my back.

Lucky for me, Jason couldn’t agree more and isn’t afraid to say so.

Itch or no itch, being faithful is pretty darn satisfying.


  1. Just exactly what every wife wants her husband’s friends chatting with him about. I think it’s a little funny that his name is Tom. Like, maybe he thinks men are supposed to be like cats.

    And I just love that Jason mentioned it to you. It says a lot.

  2. THat is funny, my husband hears the same things as well. We are quite happy with each other, neither one can even imagine the work it would take to cheat on our spouses haha. Dating?Please! Heck no! We are comfortable with each other, 15 years for us 🙂

  3. Amen, sister!

  4. Get it, girl.

  5. I mean maybe I’m dumb since I’ve only ever been with my husband, but I mean–REALISTICALLY–doesn’t it all work the same way? I mean, what can my husband do with another woman that he can’t do with me? We have the same body parts. I would be pretty mad at Tom too, why do people want so bad to make it okay to sleep around?

  6. Funny, we’ve been having the same discussions after the Weiner Tweeting escapades, Strauss-Kahn debacle and Schwarzenegger’s confession. That and the multiple divorces cropping up in the neighborhoo. Makes a couple sit back and think…

  7. AMEN….
    Your hubby is lucky to have you, Fidelity is pretty sexy

  8. WOW! No comments! I came back to see what you could drudge up and nothing! It is hard to know what to say . . . . . . I’ve just told my husband if he isn’t faithful he better not tell me about it because I couldn’t forgive him . . . . . . . he’d have to live in eternal torment and rot in hell . . . . how’s that? Hopefully not a green light for him, but I hope I’d know if something were amiss!

    Funny . . . . my husband (who I think is quite good looking) always laments that no one hits on him. It happened the other day and he and I were both kinda pleased . . . . . . weird huh?

  9. by the way . . . I loved your column this week . . . . .

  10. AMEN!!!!! Duane and I just had a similar conversation yesterday. About women, cleavage and men who look instead of look away. I am so glad that my measly cleavage is the only cleavage he looks at!!!

  11. Actually, I think it’s rather easy to think that with seeing how prevalent porn is these days. It’s called the other mistress, you know. So, while we may want to chew guys like him out – – I would venture to say that there is some basis for why they think that. Whether it’s examples they’ve had in their lives, or on a deeper level, they’re searching for fulfillment of some kind. Just my thoughts.

    • annie valentine says:

      Considering the fact that this guy would be horrified to know that Jason and I discussed this, and that he would be horrified if his wife found out he had said something like that, he knows 100% that cheating is wrong. He’s not stupid. Examples or no examples, I think the only basis here is selfishness.

  12. Pee on his leg? I keep coming back so I can laugh again at that sentence. Win!