Have yourself…

I’m homesick for my childhood.

I’ve been away from home for fifteen years now. And while I sometimes I make it back for the family party, being there for the season hasn’t happened since I was a girl.

I love having my home and my kids and making my own Christmas. I love baking and pretending not to eat treats and gathering with friends and yes, even Jason’s coworkers to celebrate the season (he doesn’t understand why his work people need to have a Christmas party when they already spend every single day together. Uh, perhaps for the wives who don’t get out much?).

But every now and then Judy Garland will come on the Christmas station reminding me to have myself a merry little Christmas. And when she does I think about the movie Meet Me in St. Louis, where the song and scene originated from, and I think about that family and those sisters and how very quickly it all changed shortly after the movie ended. They grew up and got married and, in some cases, probably left St. Louis.

Kelly, my niece left a comment yesterday that I can’t stop feeling homesick over. I haven’t thought about that last Christmas back when we were still girls for years. Probably because I hate it when my throat gets lumpy, and also because I can’t bear the fact that life has taken us up and away from those precious moments. No more staying up until 3 am reenacting scenes from Bye Bye Birdie, or seeing how fast we can recite the entire script from The Little Mermaid.

Kids are so naive, we didn’t even know our life would change.

I wouldn’t trade being a mother and a wife and the creator of my very own frequently happy (and sometimes not so much) ending, but today I feel a little like Rexy, who just asked me once again if he can please stay a little boy forever.

Me too, Rex. Me too.

And Kelly? “…Someday soon we all will be together, if the fates allow. Hang a shining star upon the highest bow…and have yourself a merry little Christmas now.” I’ll come home for good someday and I promise we will pick up where we left off.