dieting for vanity (and lower back pain, but that’s secondary)

I have got to get a grip on my eating.

It’s been a long time since I’ve actually had trouble keeping the scale within the right frame of digits but the past three weeks (since my New Year’s resolutions were carved in internet) things aren’t loving me. The other day for no good reason and three great days of dieting and yoga I stepped on the scale and it was up THREE POUNDS. (That is me yelling about my weight.)

And you can call it whatever you want–water, muscle, dense fat–but you can’t reason away how tight my jeans felt.

Of course I went right down to the kitchen and got even with my scale. You want to see three pounds? I’ll show you three pounds. I then proceeded to eat my way through the house for the next ten hours to prove a point.

It worked. The three pounds has been hanging around for an entire week and I’m pretty sure it’s now in a solid form.

So, here is the top five list of super drastic dieting measures I’m debating between. Something will launch on Monday, I just need to bet on the right horse.

1. Get a tummy tuck. Totally improbably at the moment but something I’m counting down to in the next few years. Feel free to add this to the list of Reason’s Why Annie’s Vanity Will Keep Her Out of Heaven.

2. Run away the pounds. This is an awesome and ideal method that I can’t do because of my stupid broken back. Walking around the house all day hurts me so running is kind of out of the question. I do have a girlfriend with an eliptical, however, and I’m planning to go work out with her a few times a week if life ever allows it. Also I’m doing yoga.

3. Jump on the HCG drop diet one more time. This is Hell on Earth, I know because it saved my bacon when we moved here. I think it was the only thing I had control over for a little while there, good thing because it kept me from ballooning out during the fast food phase of the move. I hate this diet but it totally worked and I kept the extra weight off afterwards (minus the three recent pounds that really suck and need to disappear like now). I just dread the loading days…

4. Amputate a leg. Painful and inconvenient.

5. Do a regular diet of 1200 calories a day, minus sugar, no carbs after three and absolutely no caffeine. Or caffeine. When I’m maintaining there’s nothing like a Diet pop to chase away the afternoon sugar craving, but it doesn’t help so much when I’m trying to drop back down to my best three numbers. I love those numbers, I want those numbers. I really hate not being able to wear my four favorite pairs of jeans without the ginormous jelly roll (much bigger than the muffin top, let me assure you).

I have until President’s Day weekend to get this weight off. That’s four weeks and I would like to be down eight pounds. This is a reasonable goal. Tough, yes, but doable.

And so I’m now going to go have a talk with myself in the mirror. That girl has got to get a grip on something other than the Peanut Butter Mother’s cookies she bought on sale at the commisary today for 19 cents a bag (I grabbed ten of them).

And the battle wages on…


  1. I agree with you in many ways…I could give a squirrels nut about health, I just want to LOOK GOOD.
    I’d trade you 3 lbs you want off to my 30………)#(*^%^@*()
    I really wonder if that will ever happen…..but if I at least loose 15, I should be able to get back into the jeans I was wearing when I moved here??????
    OR LYPOSUCTION here I come.
    My daughter (the one you met) did the HG diet thing and she really dropped some lbs too (as if she needed to I kept telling her) She has maintained well.
    AND…I have done my exercises for 2 weeks straight now, and stayed pretty much on a 1300 calorie diet, and YUP, when I stepped on the scales I hadn’t lost NOT ONE POUND.
    good thing no one was around…I was ready to KILL

  2. I think your only other options are tapeworms or meth. As you can tell, they totally worked for me!

  3. HCG is of the devil but it does work. Although when my husband and I were both on it and blacked out together while in our closet trying to get dressed for the day. We kinda decided to give it a break. You know so someone could care for the kids. Ha! After I am done nursing I need to get back on it.

  4. hehehehe… i hear ya. i don’t own a scale, but the past couple weeks on the couch with the ickies & then recovering from surgery + added with my delusion inducing wardrobe of extra roomy pj pants have me starting to realize that i’m not just gonna be recovering from an attack of the scalpel for the next little while! oy. i don’t want to even think about it! so, i’m sending you some sisterly weight-loss-hugs. hope they do the trick. 😉

    wednesday i go in for my 2-wk post op incision check. we’ll see how i’m healing and i’ll start some hormone therapy to keep that hideous fertility-vanquishing disease of mine at bay! (once they got in there, the doc found WAY more of it than he’d originally expected. not good. but he’s positive he got it all, and that our chances of getting pregnant this year are heaps better now!) woot woot!

    p.s. got your card. LOVED it! the hubsters got the BIGGEST kick out of it as well. after reading it he looked up at me and declared that he thinks he & your hubs would make for great friends cause they think a like. hehehehehe. i’d say he’s right. ::hugs::

  5. Tsk. Tsk Annie. (imagine me shaking my head)

    You disappoint me. You’ve forgotten the #1 PROVEN METHOD to losing weight.

    Wire your mouth shut until President’s Day. Simple as that. Unless you’re a professional at chewing through wire.

    By the way, what’s happening on President’s Day? Is THE president coming to visit you and you can’t stand the thought of standing next to Michelle O in your ‘fat’ pants? Yep, I thought so.

  6. Okay, so you know I have more to lose than you do, but I’m also giving myself a couple more weeks to do it in. Here’s what I’m doing: No sugar, no white flour. No sugar means NO SUGAR (salad dressing, spagetti sauce, no, no, no). And I’ve been making all these dumb Conscious Thought Decisions to eat way more veg than anything else. I even made a big pot of vegetable soup (mostly water, to tell you the truth) and I eat on that whenever I want. I’m eating so much veg that I’ve gone way down on the grains and meat — and I can see a huge difference. Also, it only takes a week for me to lose the cravings (but I don’t have to feed small people, so the crave-able foods aren’t always right in my face).
    Also Zumba on the wii.
    Good luck!

  7. Love the humor and honesty in your blogs. I understand the pain and it seems that every new year I re-read the book “This is Why You’re Fat – and How to get Thin Forever” by Jackie Warner. Her style of writing, information and plan always seem to get me back on track. What every you do – good luck! Kirstin


  1. […] My daughter (the one you met) did the HG diet thing and she really dropped some lbs too (as if she needed to I kept telling her) She has maintained well. AND’I have done my exercises for 2 weeks straight now, and stayed pretty much on a 1300 calorie diet, and YUP, when I stepped on the scales I hadn’t lost NOT ONE POUND. good thing no one was around’I was ready to KILL. Read more on Dieting […]