Today I feel very far away from people who love me.
It probably sounds stupid because in theory love is great at time and distance. It doesn’t matter that my mom and sisters live on the other side of the world because we’ve got things like modern technology and computer crap to bridge the gap. I can call them anytime (between the hours of 5pm and midnight) can skype with them whenever I want (except with my closest sister because she doesn’t have internet access), and I always feel loved (except when I spend a week in my house and realize no one ever comes to hang out because oh yeah, I live in freaking Germany).
I feel like I’m an island surrounded by water and I can’t see any of the things I love because there’s all this stupid ocean between us. Friends can be great but friends can’t really love you or even need like your family does. I know my sisters think about me. I know it. Not because we say it out loud but because I think about them. And sometimes I’ll get an email from my oldest sister or a KiK message from my middle sister or a text from my other middle sister telling me to call my closest sister because she doesn’t have internet and she’s wants to tell me something.
And it makes me feel loved.
I have tried so hard over here to find friendships to fill in for my sisters, and there are wonderful amazing women every where I turn. Women I love and am grateful for.
But today I feel myself seeing a hard truth that has been lingering in the back of my mind for the past few weeks. No matter how hard I work at these friendships, they aren’t going to be my sisters or my mom.
It’s a grand adventure, living here in Europe, and I’m not complaining about it. I’ve met the most wonderful people, seen the most inspiring cities, eaten the most delicious food and made some priceless memories with my children and Jason. We would chose this ten times in a row without even questioning it.
But on the eleventh time, I think I’d just choose to go home.
It will be a while before we get to number eleven, but a little part of my heart is counting the days.