Yesterday I canned the world’s most expensive free peaches. My neighbor dropped off a bunch of peaches from his tree earlier in the week and my girlfriend Tricia and I spent the afternoon making peach jam (as soon as she left I spoon fed myself an entire jar, no bread necessary). We were so impressed with our domesticity that we decided to can peaches as well.

Her neighbor had a laden tree just waiting for two overambitious stay-at-homers to come along so it could woo them into its peachy clutches. We had such lofty goals. I could picture an entire pantry full of glistening free peaches, all lovingly canned from my own two hands. I thought to myself, my mother cans peaches every year, I know all about canning peaches. I’ve seen her do it a hundred times. No sweat.

Wrong. There was sweat. After an hour of running around town wasting gas while trying to find jar lids (two stores were out), we started The Process. We had all four gas burners blasting as we boiled the syrup, singed the fuzzy coats off and prepared a bath for our bathing beauties.

Have you ever sliced a peach in half and noticed how nicely it split apart? Not these green monsters. We’d dig our nails into them and pry with all our might. Then we’d take the pairing knives and whack chunks off to throw into those bottomless pits otherwise known as quart jars.

Four hours of hard back aching labor and what did we have to show? 12 jars of peaches. Let me break down just how expensive these “free” peaches were.

Two laborers at $20 an hour (our worth) = $160
Lids = $10
Gas Money To Find Lids = $10

Total cost = $180
Wholesale price of finished jars = $15 a jar

I have so much respect for Walmart. If it wasn’t for Walmart and their cheap peaches, I would probably be dead by the time I’m 40. No wonder pioneer women didn’t live long, if I had to work that hard for all my food plus make clothes plus launder clothes plus nurse babies while making and laundering clothes and canning peaches *big breath*…

I would be glad to die.

Since Tricia hasn’t opened her jars from last year yet, she graciously gave me these lovely hacked up beauties to take home and dress my shelves. I’ve decided that with 12 jars, we will take out one jar each month and gaze at it. Maybe I’ll use it as a center piece.

I’ll tell you one thing, they’re way too valuable to eat.