I have noticed something totally terrifying. For some reason, when marriages hit the 16-20 year mark, things change. And sometimes, it’s bad.

I love being married. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I want to kick Jason in the head, but when it comes right down to it I feel like I’m married to part Superman, part golden retriever. The guy is loyal, he works hard at being a good dad, rocks date night, and tells me when I look hot. Sure, we miscommunicate, and sometimes I feel neglected, and he occasionally gets yelled at for really stupid reasons. But when push comes to shove, I want him. Period.

Lately we’ve been talking a lot about the double decade epidemic surrounding us because, quite frankly, we’re both terrified by it. Last night, after a rather deep conversation regarding the Things That Make Couples Break Up, he actually wanted to cuddle with me, just because. If that doesn’t spell “I’M FREAKED OUT” I don’t know what does. He was like an old dog during a lightening storm.

Because at eleven plus years, we both want to prevent the terror of whatever virus seems to creep into apparently healthy marriages and wreak havoc. How? How can we make sure we don’t get complacent, bored, detached, or just plain nuts?

And so, being the list maker that I am, I’ve designed a sure-fire plan to keep the home fires blazing. I have no idea what the outcome will be: it might be brilliant, or it might be BS, but at least it’s something.

1. Make eye contact every day, at least once. If you find yourself feeling disconnected, focus on your mate’s eyes for a moment during dinner and really listen to what they’re saying, even if it’s just a minute.

2. Roll up the rugs and drag out the dust bunnies, because unresolved cracks in your marriage NOW will mean potential canyons in the future. Jason and I scoured our brains last night to make sure we weren’t forgetting to fight about something important.

3. Now and then, take a date night and close down the restaurant talking. Sometimes it takes an hour to talk through the incidental stuff, but it’s the only way to get to the meat–your goals and dreams and fears and plans. We did this last weekend, and it felt so good to really connect. It’s been way too long.

4. Never underestimate the value of QNT (quality naked time).

5. For crying out loud, pray together. Sometimes I don’t even know that Jason is worried about something until we’re having couple prayers; sometimes he talks to God more openly than he talks to me.

Wherever you are with your marriage, I’ve realized this week that we’re all vulnerable. There are a million and one traps out there waiting to trip you up and break apart your commitment. We need to be vigilant. Be committed. Be aware.

Just saying this out loud makes me feel way better.