women who kill aren’t mothers, are they?

Today I looked at my little baby and wondered why she chose such a great and terrible time to come to Earth.

Harrison came home from school last Thursday bouncing and happy.

“How was your day?” I asked as he piled in the car with the rest of us to run errands.

“Great! Recess was so fun–oh. There is one bad thing,” he says. As a mom, I’m dreading his next sentence. So early in the year for discipline problems. I played it cool. “Really? What’s up?”

“Well,” he says, “A girl in my class died last night.” He was so matter of fact about this statement that it took a good three seconds for it to sink in.

“Wait, what?!” I ask.

“Yeah, her name was Jean and she was really smart. She was in my kindergarten class too.”

“Holy crap,” Jason says quietly, “that double homicide I saw on the news. I think it was the mom…” I know, probably not the appropriate thing to say in front of the kids, but Jason and I were in total shock.

As the details of the story came at me from too many angles, I felt like screaming and puking at the same time. A mom on the brink did the unthinkable: she murdered her two children. I know for a fact that Jean was a nice, smart girl. On Monday when the list of 100%ers came home for last week’s spelling test, I noticed Jean’s name on the list and wondered (like always) why I so few people use that name these days. It made it personal.

I’m a mom, and sometimes I feel like a mom on the brink. The news of this unthinkable horror has rocked my world this week, and I find myself wishing terrible things on this woman. But in all reality, I don’t think a mother could do something so heinous  without being in serious emotional and mental peril. I want to hate her, but part of me knows that she’ll suffer for her betrayal every single day for the rest of her count on Earth. I’m glad. I’m also sad.

As mothers, sometimes we have to write about the ugly part of our job, just to get it out of our system so we don’t spontaneously combust and damage someone important along the way. I wonder, what about the women who have no one to talk to, to write to, to freak out at and with? What would I do without my mother and sisters and a handful of really hilarious girlfriends–not to mention this very blog, that gets the brunt of my ever changing emotions on a sometimes daily basis.

Whether your crazy is little or big, bottling it up and not getting help on some level, no matter how basic, can’t be good for any of us.

I feel tragic and heartsick. I guess I just needed to tell someone about it.


  1. I wondered if any of you bloggers up that way knew them. It makes me sick and sad at the same time.

  2. We’ve all heard of these things happening, but I can’t imagine the shock of experiencing it on a more personal level. How does one explain such a thing to their kids? It is really sad, and so terribly frustrating.

  3. Oh Annie,
    This is really a blow to your family. One of my best friend’s lost her son a couple of years ago, it was an accident, but it was a big blow to the family. My sons still deal with the pain of losing a CLOSE friend!
    Hugs… Tina

  4. Makes me sick! Very sad…

  5. That is awful. I hate to hear things like that. Makes me want to snuggle my kids in close.

  6. Annie you are so right…she was in a dark place that she had no one to tell about. Now she may even feel relief that her own children will never have to experience the things she has felt. We can be grateful that we have the gospel in our lives, so we always have the Lord to turn to.

  7. You’re very right all around. We wanna hate her, but there’s a secret part of us that identifies and knows all our own darknesses and don’t feel much better.

    Wacky cute kids … drive us crazy. Hopefully not too.

    (your blog is amazing .. I always love it, btw 🙂 )

  8. It’s all the more disturbing when you know and identify the people on the news. This past year, there were three instances that were followed on the news of people/family we knew/know. It’s heart-wrenching enough when you see the stories and don’t know the people.
    It’s a horrifying reality check.

  9. That’s really horrible. To hear it on the news snd know that it happened somewhere is terrible enough. To know that it happened so close is beyond that.

  10. That would hurt so much knowing the children personally. When they showed the pictures of both of them on the news it was almost too much for me to handle. What sweet faces.

  11. wow. how incredibly devastating. i hadn’t heard of this story – i share all the same mixed feelings as you do.

    by the way, i’m always reading…and quite a few of my girlfriends are too…

    just can’t always find the time to be commenting!
    but i’ m trying to be better!!!

  12. The story upset me–but having it THAT close to home? Whoa. Your poor son. The poor father.

    I wonder what really happened. I guess only God will know that.

  13. I think they’re still mothers they just… well… I … I’m just glad I’m not the one with the job of judging them. I don’t want that kind of responsibility.

  14. Wow. SO totally not what I expected when I hopped over after following the link on Sher’s blog. This is devasatingly sad, and I can only begin to imagine how much harder it is when you know the people, even if only a little bit. But by the grace of God you know? Some days, I feel so close to snapping myself. Makes you wonder what it is that pushes a person over the edge like that. Only God knows what’s going on in her head.

  15. Woah. I’m so sorry. What a tragedy of the worst kind.

  16. Such tragedy. Anytime I hear of something like this it just makes me so very, very sad. And I agree…if it weren’t for my friends those outside and inside my computer I would be crazy. Hopefully not crazy enough to do something horrible but crazy still. I’m sorry.

  17. I’m with you. I don’t get it. It’s so sad and dark that I don’t want to understand either. Ugh.

  18. That whole story made me sick. I have been holding my babies a little tighter this week.

    Which explains a lot.

  19. Oh how sad! I saw the news and I too held my babies closer, I can’t imagine knowing the family, how horrible for the father! I completely agree no matter how big or small your crazy is , seek and use help!!!

  20. I can’t think about it too long or I might vomit as well. So tragic and so sad. I am so glad I have good friends and family (what I call cheap therapy) to help me when I’m close to becoming unhinged.

  21. Oh my heart hurts right now.