Desperately Seeking Mattention

I am officially too lonely for my own good (my man has been gone since JULY). How do I know this? Try these on for size.

1. I think that Cody kid on Dancing With The Stars is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. I find his youthful vigor thrilling (did I just write that?).

2. I followed a man around the Distribution Center last week because his cologne smelled like Jason. I sniff-sniffed my way through the scripture carriers and pass-along cards before he started looking at me funny and I had to pull back so they didn’t call security and take away my temple recommend.

3. I am highly sensitive to the mention of any female Jason comes into contact with. This includes caffeteria ladies. 

4. I told Jason I hated his mustache which was a total lie because I can’t stand the fact that Stupid Women like Miss Thompson are getting to gaze at him and his adorable “I could be on a fireman’s calendar with this Stache” mustache (the calendar was my idea, by the way) (he had to grow it for his class, they cut them this week) (they voted him Best Mustache Man) (the girl agents in his class told him they liked him with a mustache) (I hate those girls) (I think I’m hyperventilating again).

5. I have been staying away from oysters just in case they make me really really lonely. This is sad because I love love oysters. 

6. My children have overrun my bed because I don’t like to sleep alone. With one kid who wants to nurse all night and another who repeatedly kicks me in the head, I’m not getting much sleep. My nights are now lonely AND miserable.

7. I’ve actually contemplated who is available for me to marry in case Jason dies between now and December (I really don’t want to be alone at Christmas). 

8. Okay I’ll just say it. I need a man to tell me in person that I’m hot. I know I’m supposed to be all secure, and my girlfriends remind me regularly when my clothes or hair are cute, but it isn’t the same. At this point I would happily take a catcall from the garbage man. Not picky here. A whistle? A honk? Anyone? Anyone?

He’ll be home in just under two weeks for a sleepover. I’ll be watching the clock until his plane lands.


  1. Here’s wishing you good luck on that cat call. I know you deserve it.

  2. Hey lady! Lift up your shirt!
    Oh wait, it’s not Mardi Gras here. You could do it anyway if you wanted to.

  3. For a second there I thought you were looking for attention from a “Matt”, hence the Mattention. And I’m thinking, yea, I could use some “Matt”ention myself. (Looks longingly at husband who has the gall to be sick) I eventually got what you meant.

    So funny, Annie! I can just imagine you walking around behind some guy sniffing.

  4. Loved this post! Very clever. Sorry you’re so lonely. ;(

    I remember when I used to get kicked in the head all night. (but my man was always getting kicked too). ;(

  5. Okay…so you are REALLY witty! lol! I can just imagine you sniffing other men because of their cologne!

    I’m sorry your husbands gone…that sucks!

    I also that it was hilarious that you wore pants to the Relief Society Conference…I don’t think anybody would have cared where I’m at…but I think it’s funny that somebody would? oh well! Try the shorts you REBEL! lol!

  6. Blog Stalker says:

    Sniffing out a complete stranger?? That so crosses the line 🙂
    People are going to start talking…first wearing pants and now stalking?


    My hubby’s been doing his duty up at fire camp all summer long, so my heart bleeds for you!

    And sweet little Cody is pretty cutesty-tootsy, all right, but how about that hunky Ted McGinley? I still have a Happy Days crush on that guy!

  8. I have to admit you are brave to put it in writing. I have had many of these thoughts while my husband was deployed overseas. You always make me smile. I am saying a prayer you get your Mattattention soon. 🙂

  9. Right. Because everyone knows that what oysters do is make you “lonely”.

  10. Oh hon, I can just imagine. I get a bit weird when Neil goes away for a weekend, never mind so very long. Glad you get to see him soonly.

  11. ok buck up, shave your legs and go shoe shopping at Nordstrom. Those guys say a lot of nice things to get a sale. You may have to ignore certain “preferences”, but the only regret you’ll have the next day is on your credit card – and that can be fixed with a simple return.

  12. I’ll tell Shaun to hit on you when you come over Monday.