I Need a Pimp

Day 2

He’s still gone (imagine that) and I’m doing great. That’s what I say to my mother, sister, neighbor, and the lady at the cash register at Dan’s Grocery (who responds by looking at me and wondering why I just offered that bit of overly-positive information when all she asked was ‘paper or plastic’).

But I’m a little worried about Subconscious Annie. I caught her bawling to “Can You Feel The Love Tonight” this morning, and noticed she fed her ten-month-old daughter chocolate cake and chocolate milk for lunch (she would have eaten it herself but it doesn’t mix well with Salami). Yikes.

I woke up this morning and decided I’d try my hand at wallowing in bed all day. Unfortunately wallowing isn’t very entertaining and twelve minutes into it I was bored stiff. So, I opted for good endorphins and went down to exercise. This was a good option considering the fact that last night I chased my Lean Cuisine with a bowl of Mac-N-Cheese and two honking pieces of chocolate cake (the same amazing cake I’m avoiding today, thank you Tiffany). And I have to say, the cake really did make me feel better. 

In other news, I’ve decided I want to be a Professional Conversationalist. I could pimp out my services to uncomfortable gatherings like Meeting The In-Law’s, Lunching With His Ex, or Telling His Mistress to Take a Hike. I’d also be available for larger gatherings like office baby showers, class reunions and Pampered Chef parties. I’m telling you, some of these places really need someone who can talk. I just need someone to market me. A good party pimp would do the trick. I wonder how many hits I’ll get from putting the word “pimp” in this post?


  1. Hey, Pimp is part of my blog title too! My blog will be your pimp.

  2. I’m glad you had such a great weekend with your man! Chocolate Cake and Exercise what could be better! I have been to several parties where there was serious need for a conversation pimp! You know those parties were you leave exhausted because you had to “save” the party- you would have to charge a bunch, it would be such a fun “job”!

  3. Ha ha ha. Love this post. You’re so cute.

    And a word of advice. If you put the word pimp and the word Mormon in the same post you’ll get at least 7,000 hits.

  4. That’s awesome! lol! I’m sorry your man had to leave again…I don’t know if I could do it…but your humor never suffers! You are a fabulous writer! 🙂

  5. I am so sorry I didn’t send you a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY on the 6th! Bad, bad neice….I love you and wish you many happy returns.

  6. every good Mormon girl needs a PIMP every now & then.

  7. That was an eye-catching blog title if I ever saw one. You WOULD be excellent at that job.

  8. I’m not sure how I feel about the smirky pic you put on my profile… We may need to change that el pronto!

    There was a reason I took you along when I was nervous about a situation. If I ran out of things to say, you were bound to be dorky and give everyone something to laugh at. Remember when I took you to Trent’s and we went bowling? You bowling with your crooked arm is a conversational gem all by itself. You could definitely be worth something as a pimped out party prattler.

  9. You know what you need? You need to host a giveaway on your blog! The prize could be this chocolate cake you speak of, and I could be the winner since it was my suggestion.

  10. I need to hire you three weeks from now. (Seriously) I’m having a Lia Sophia Party and need a professional like yourself. Heaven knows I’m not a talker. Annie, call me. Are you coming down here in a few weeks???

  11. How did you even make it through 12 minutes of wallowing, you have 3 children?!
    Oh and I can’t pimp you out, I don’t really do parties, but I can take that cake off your hands. Just thought I’d offer.

  12. Annie, I’m loving your blog! Don’t worry, husbands/pimps come and go….but chocolate cakes don’t last so long-so cherish them….

  13. Jenny said pimped out party prattler! LOL Girls got a way with words…

  14. Oh my…you might have some interesting readers dropping by today!

    I’d hire you but I’d hate to have to pay your travel expenses…

  15. Deanne Jacobs says:

    Thanks to you too for an awesome girls night out! I always LOVE hanging with you. You have a gift to make everyone feel welcomed. Let’s keep this girls night tradition up. See you Saturday as… Ursela? (Hmm… how DO you spell that?)

  16. Annie (is that ok or I should call you Miss Annie), now that you and your sister have both commented on my blog, I feel a little like family. Would you mind if I put your blog as a link on my blog…because frankly I don’t have a lot of links and I want to look more popular.
    Not only that, but you and your sister are so funny…and I want to share the laughter…do you think your sister will mind?
    And if you don’t want me to visit your blog anymore, that’s cool-I understand…
    Forever your friend (until you tell me no),

  17. I have been to lots of places that could use a conversation pimp. I will have to keep you in mind for the next get together!

  18. I think the real market for this is old people, their families that are too bothered and busy to visit or even call, but yet feel guilty. They could hire you to visit /call and listen to stories of gout and corns and how the night staff is stealing from them. I think it could be profitable…Should I make you some flyers to pass out in the lobbies of old-folks homes?