Amelia Bedelia Should Never Have Children

So, my girlfriend Tricia and I have this brilliant New  Year’s resolution. Each week, we take three hours and play Cleaning Ladies (we’re currently looking for a more catchy title) at one of our two houses. We’re trying to find uniforms and matching feather dusters, so we can really get into character.

Today we worked untill our hands looked like they’d received a chemical peel and her dumpster was overflowing. We even Little Green’d the carpet in her car (okay, I confess the car was only done because yesterday Rex Humpty Dumptied a 24 pack of Costco eggs all over the back of her vehicle. Eggs everywhere). Really, we were amazing as cleaning ladies. But in the mommy department? Not so good.

See this is the thing about having a clean house. If your home sparkles, your children do not. If the children are well kept and thoroughly entertained, the house is trashed. It’s like you can’t have your cake without smearing it all over the kitchen floor. Today my children were in filthy, nasty jammies until 2:00 when I changed them into newer,  less filthy jammies.

This week I’m once again deeply invested in potty training Rex. Today I put him in undies and took him to Tricia’s house, thinking it’s time he started peeing on someone else’s floor–uh, toilet. But once I got there and all those chemicals started messing with my brain, I forgot about the undies. So he pooped. His pants.

Oh disgustingness of the universe, at last I’ve found you.

Apparently, the only way to have a clean house and well-kept children is to hire either a babysitter or a housekeeper.

Which to choose?


  1. I’m thinking maybe you should stop telling potty training stories. It’s making me want to give my younger son away, cuz he isn’t potty-trained yet.

  2. You do realize that reading these makes me never want to have children, right?

  3. I think you should go for matching sham-wows over dusters. They’re much more efficient.

  4. Yeah that’s pretty gross. But you keep wearing your size two French maid outfit and your husband will be cleaning up the floor with you!
    Did I just right write that, I’m so BAD!!

  5. I say both! That way you can sit back and relax with book, and everything is taken care of!!

  6. Thankfully the dear Lord, in his ultimate wisdom, blessed us with a child before I realized the hardcore truth….you pick a clean house or a well-entertained, spend lots of time with mommy kid.

    My house is usually pretty clean. Now you all know what I normally pick. Bad, bad mommy!

  7. and you should call yourselves, les cleaning ladeez…

  8. Oh, and my almost 4 year old had an accident today for the firs time in months! don’t know where that came from! So, today i got to clean up pee off the floor. SICK!
    Still that’s better that poop.

  9. It sometimes feels like three options: clean but bored kids and a trashed home, filthy but happy kids and a clean home, or filthy kids and a trashed home but a uh . . . well . . . a. . . . Less busy day? Love your blog by the way. I’ve been lurking for a couple weeks.

  10. annie valentine says:

    Kristina – I will refer you to my site warning. You really should take those warnings seriously.

  11. Thanks for visiting my blog and commenting! You totally made my day! I love St. Petersburg (although I can’t seem to ever win) and my husband and I frequent What other kinds of games do you play?

  12. Ha Ha you crack me up…my 4 year old came in to ask me why I was laughing. She also pointed to your picture on your page and said “Who is this?” and I said “Her name is Annie Valentine.” To that she said “That is a pretty name for a Mommy.” I agree.
    Love your stories. The joys of motherhood.

  13. girlsmama says:

    Hahaha. Hehehehe. So true. I’m glad it’s not just me.

  14. I am potty training my 2yr old and it is a pain. Mostly she just goes in her panties and I change her, then when her dad comes home and she goes in her panties, he puts a diaper on her and we start all over again. Good luck

  15. There’s a 3rd choice. Choose neither and spend the day blogging.

    What’s the point of a clean house or clean kids?They’re all just going to get dirty again, anyway.

  16. Fabulous resolution… I vote for a nanny or a mommy’s helper. Then they could potty train Rex for you.

  17. Oh that is so true! And if you’re caught up on your blogging your children and your house are in their nasty pajamies all day.

    Can I choose both?

    And Amelia Bedilia should not have kids! Amen. That would be like letting a Crash Test Dummy have kids.

  18. Seriously, why aren’t we neighbors? I need to watch TBL with someone who is as invested in it as myself!

  19. I have never seen your kids look nothing but perfect – I think it’s just you:) you can make everything look good – I just got called to teach RS the second Sunday. You are going to have to come and sing like a light house with me for one of my lessons … we need some good Valentine blood over here:)

  20. What you wrote is precisely why my house is filthy every other week. This week is clean week and I am “Sergeant Major Sir”.

    The children’s homework is done, their beds made and they actually brushed their teeth.

    Next week we are back to being slobs. And we make big messes together.

    What do you mean I’m schizophrenic? I’m a gemini…. I’m supposed to be like this.

  21. So, totally off the subject…there is a little smiley face in the upper right hand corner of your blog. I just saw it and thought it was cute.


  22. Nice one. And come to think of it, I’ve also met the disgustingness of the universe – several times. Put on top of the egg disaster, I’m glad to see you’re still claiming Rex.

  23. Annie! I feel your pain. Read “Potty Train your Child in Just One Day” by Teri Crane. Seriously. I thought my three year old would be in diapers until kindergarten. Then, I was just going to put him in underwear and send him to school and let his teacher deal with him…

    But, anyway, I did it and it worked! MAGIC!

  24. So true about the house AND the kids being clean at the same time. Not going to happen. I prefer to let my kids have fun than to have my house sparkle.

  25. I do not envy you….fortunately those days have long since past. Now I sit up waiting for them to come home and hope that their arrival is not followed shortly thereafter by the arrival of the police. I’d rather clean up poopy pants

  26. get both!

    {this is why I delay potty-training as long as possible – I hate it!}

  27. That is such a great idea to play cleaning ladies. Merry Maids! I love it!

    Kids need to be neglected now and again. Unless they’re not potty trained, I guess.

  28. annie valentine says:

    Morgan – While your suggestion is brilliant and worked wonders on my first child, REX IS IMMUNE.

    May the rest of you be blessed with cooperative toileteers.

  29. Playing construction worker results in a messy house and messy kids. Just in case you were wondering.

  30. I have been wondering a lot lately about how it is possible to keep one’s house clean when one has a baby. He doesn’t let me leave him alone. And nap time is usually filled with such things as eating and showering (and blogging perhaps). I know realize that it’s just impossible. My husband is just gonna have to accept it too.

  31. Annie, however did you ever give up such a cool name? I think I would have cried at about giving it up!

    My house is a wreck, so I clearly choose my kids. I’m trying to feel bad about this, but I don’t. I’d rather have both also. If I were to hire someone, I’d hire a cook. I can clean the rest of the house, but if I didn’t have to clean the kitchen or cook, my life would be wonderful.

    Ally is still peeing in her pants. She runs up and changes it immediately, but this means she never matches and then it looks like I chose my house and not my kids because she looks all thrown together.

    My number one rule of potty training, they clean up the messes. If and when they pooped in their pants, THEY swished and rinsed. THEY change their pants. THEY take it to the washing machine. And THEY wipe themselves down. I don’t do that. Of course they don’t poo more then a time or two and they learn to do that in the potty pretty fast. It’s the peeing I can’t get. It won’t stick. I’m getting a cork. She’s almost 4 1/2. This is silly.

  32. I’m all about the kids cleaning up the messes, too.

    And my house is only clean when the kids are sleeping. Duh.

  33. Well, life is all about CHOICES. (this is a second marriage for me) and when I got married I asked my husband –I am going to only be good in one room of the house so you pick. WELL IT WASN’T THE KITCHEN sweety. (TMI) so I don’t cook or clean or do laundry. choices—same with being a mom and kids

  34. annie valentine says:

    Wendy, I chose the same room you did!

  35. That is my life in a nutshell! Whenever the missionaries stop by (which is once a week) they either find me in my pj’s desperatley needing a shower but a clean house and kids in their underwear or a disaster zone. Too bad I have to be the one to crash their ideals of a mormon wife- why can’t someone else?