Astronomical weight gain

My scale is completely out of control.

Non-pregnant annie is a thoughtful eater. She eats small amounts, plenty of veggies, and avoids the white stuff. When she wants a brownie she has one, but not the whole pan. She checks her weight a few times a week and stays within a five pound area.

Frankly, I have no idea who that person is because she’s so far from this pregnant whale sitting before you.

I am 24 weeks pregnant, and quite frankly, I have no problem with gaining 30 pounds during pregnancy. 30 pounds is healthy, it’s more than substantial, and it’s expected. Just not at 24 weeks.

This is what happens when you pretend for a month that your scale is broken, and only venture to step on it when you’ve been sick and fasting for the past two days, because you’re sure that you’ll get the best possible result. But what do you do when the best possible result is at least six pounds more than you thought it would be?

Up to this point I’ve been kidding myself with lectures on how this is my last one, I’ll never do this again, just enjoy the pregnancy. But how can I enjoy the pregnancy when my tummy panels are now tight? What kind of happiness is that bringing me? I’m already waddling, for crying out loud.

When all is said and done, I don’t want to have a seven pound newborn and a twenty-pound brownie on my back. That does not sound like postpartum fun. I’ve got to get a grip sometime, today is as good as tomorrow.

And so, as of this morning, I am starting fresh and getting reacquainted with that girl who used to say no more than yes. There’s no reason for me to feel any worse about myself than I feel right now (which is pretty bad). I am suddenly remembering how much more I like myself when I use the brake handle and exercise a little taste bud discipline.

In case you’re worried, I am not going on a diet. I am not trying to lose weight. I just need to stay where I am for a while–like the next 14 weeks. If I can firmly hold back the tide of my ravenous appetite, I think we’ll all be a lot happier. (All, meaning me and the people who have to live with me/socialize with me/help me in stores.)


  1. See, this is the good thing about being larger when you already get pregnant. I plan on going on the Pregnant Diet, where you are only supposed to gain 3 pounds, so when I birth an 11 pound baby, I will be skinny immediately.

  2. Hey girlfriend, I hear ya– if it makes you feel any better, I gain an average of 60 pounds per pregnancy. I realized this last (4th) time, that I’m eating ’cause I don’t feel well. Eating makes the queasiness go away. So I kept eating. And eating. And eating.

    • annie valentine says:

      I know! And for me, as soon as the morning sickness ended, the migraines started. As soon as the migraines ended, the back pain started. Pain makes me hungry.

  3. The dr kept me on metformin (glucophage) for the PCOS stuff when I was prego – and I only gained 22lbs. as opposed to my other pregnancies – where I gained 70lbs each time.

  4. I hear you!!! Im 28 weeks, and I think im already at that 30lbs mark. Not amused! I guess I should stop making brownies, and then having them for breakfast. and lunch. and sometimes dinner. It doesnt help that my Dr’s office scale is 4 pounds HEAVIER than my at home scale.

  5. So I’m not the only one who does the fasting before stepping on the scale thing, right? Good.

  6. When I was pregnant with my 4th, I gained 63 pounds! I still have no idea why. I didn’t gain anything near that with my other babies and I wasn’t pigging out. And I was not a woman who had to deal with weight issues. I was always 105 when not pregnant. It was quite a shock and very depressing. But don’t fear – it will end and you will be back to your skinny self in no time!

  7. I need to bring to your attention some completely unfounded scientific facts…
    1st it is important to provide a cushion around the baby (like internal airbags) to protect him or her from sudden jolts and bumps from your other children. 2nd eating chocolate now is important so they are not affected by it in their breastmilk. 3rd milkshakes contain important calcium for building strong bones. 4th speaking of cushions it is only fair you have a build in seat cushion as you carry around the child to make relaxing more possible. Think of those poor skinny pregnant ladies sitting on those bony hips, it’s sad really. I’m sure there are many more very good reasons you should give yourself a guilt-free pass to eat what you want. And I must say at least you have an excuse, I think I am preparing for swimsuit season this year by building my own internal floatation device…

  8. I think you need to keep eating everything in sight. Cake, cookies, the living room sofa – eat, eat, eat! You’re eating for two, right? And you don’t know who that second person is yet, do you? What if you’re eating for Orson Welles? Or Queen Latifah? Or that Reuben guy from American Idol who never produced a record cuz he ate all the recording execs?

    Annie, it is time to stop being so selfish. I speak for your unborn child, the one who can’t speak for himself cuz he had a pizza delivered while you were asleep and his mouth is full of anchovies. Eat for him, dear Annie. Eat for all the fat little piglets everywhere who can’t do it alone because they’re prisoners in their own beds, wearing nothing but a sheet and a lobster bib.

    (And while you’re at it, you may want to tip your pizza guy a little extra. Apparently, that dude DELIVERS!!)

  9. I, too, eat to make the queasiness go away. This time around I discovered spearmint gum. I’ve kept myself from eating bread constantly.

  10. Bethany S says:

    Seriously, did you just channel my thoughts this morning and write them down? I had the exact same pep talk this morning. 28 weeks pregnant/30 pounds gained. So not OK. The apple after lunch today wasn’t nearly as satisfying as the strawberry cheesecake milkshake I enjoyed this weekend.

    (P.S. Just so you can put a face to the name, I met you at a girls night out … um … a month or two ago. We ate at the lovely Indian restaurant nearby.)

  11. I didn’t have much of a problem with weight gain last time, but I’m starting to now, 2 months post -partum. I think I was skinnier a month ago. I’m still eating like I’m pregnant and CAN’T STOP. It’s RIDICULOUS. I got used to snacking all day and breastfeeding NEVER makes me skinny.

  12. Oh my cutest preggo lady ever that is skinny everywhere and has this cute perfectly sized belly.

    Eat the darn pan of brownies 😉

  13. Sorry, but I’m going to have to agree with Vanessa. When I met you at the Expo, I was thinking, “Dang, she is a cute pregnant lady. And hysterically funny too.” I hope you keep eating brownies, and keep making me laugh!