How to commit murder without killing anybody

I love this time of year. Not because the leaves are changing, not because the kids are back in school, and not because of football season. I love this time of year because it means I can leave my doors open all day, and that, inevitably brings in the flies.

I. Love. Flies.

See, I’ve discovered lately that I have a penchant for murder. Right when the kids have pushed me to my limits, right when I’m ready to wring someone’s neck, sure enough, enter the flies. And in three seconds, I can kill somebody without killing anybody. They’re like little flying angels of death, offering themselves nobly and innocently. Kind of like suicide bombers. (Okay, maybe not suicide bombers, but definitely self-sacrificing for the greater good.)

I can easily kill them with my bare hands, but I like to keep a fly swatter tucked in the back of my pants, just in case.

I have to admit that I did hit a bump this week when Rex and June introduced me to their “…new best friends, Buddy and Tiny.” It really threw off my game. For two days the kids wouldn’t let me kill a single fly because they were all Buddy and Tiny. It kind of broke their hearts when I finally told them that someone had to die, and it best be the flies.

And if flies aren’t available to you, might I suggest rug beating? It’s a lost art, we just shake and wash now, but let me tell you those women had a reason for pounding the crap out of rugs, and it wasn’t just cleanliness.

Have a good, stress free weekend.



  1. Ooh. I need to beat the rug! Those smart, smart ancestors. Okay, there is literally a red spider climbing my wall next to me right now. I think it’s time to squash with a vengeance!

  2. Apparently, we have lots in common. Here in Brazil we have a GREAT little bug zapper. It looks like a tennis racquet. Except it’s electric. There is nothing better than waving that thing in the air and killing flies. It makes a satisfying little *zap* and kills them instantly. Pain free for those “angels of death”…

    Re-reading this I really hope people don’t think Im some sick and twisty person. You gotta use it to believe it…it kills flies, mosquitos and any other flying nuisance that comes around!

  3. Loved the rug beating idea! Actually, my husband cleans house when he’s ready to kill something. Or when we’re arguing–in which case I usually put of apologizing if the fight is my fault since it means I don’t have to do the work myself.

  4. Down here we have scorpions & centipedes plus any kind of spider your mind can come up w/. Seriously, I dreamed about a brown/tan/green one w/ three legs like a tripod this morning while I was contemplating getting up. It made the most satisfying squishy sound I’ve ever heard. It’s either that or the kids since it’s fall break!

  5. How do you feel about killing Mario Lopez?

  6. I don’t have flies or a rug. So…have any more suggestions?? “Cause my two year old is in serious danger. (But, not really. I feel like I have to put a disclaimer on this…just in case CPS happens to read your blog comments. They already have it out for me!)

  7. You crack me up. 🙂

  8. hee hee hee! reminds me of that scene in the Joseph Smith movie at the JSMB, where the brother is out beating the rug for his wife, after having had the convo about it while Joseph Smith was out beating his family’s rug. one of the best scenes EVAH!!!!

  9. That is hysterical. Who would have thought. Here in the country I have a gazillion flies (yes you heard me, gazillion) and I am sure not one of them are named Buddy and Tiny
    I am so glad you gave me another way of looking at it.

  10. Buddy and Tiny? Dinosaur Train anyone? 🙂 (Please tell me that is where they got the names from or this will not make any sense.)

  11. I’ve recently had the notion to learn tai chi, because I’ve heard that it’s all calming and is supposed to suppress those urges of murderous rage. But I haven’t quite done it yet. Instead I just yell stuff at my kids like, “You better be cleaning when I walk in, or you’re all getting severely beaten!!!” And even though I know they weren’t cleaning the .2 seconds before I entered the room, at least they’re doing it when I walk through. Nothing gets clean around here, but so far we’ve managed to escape the severe beatings. But I’m pretty sure I better start learning tai chi already, or let a whole lot of flies into my house before it gets too ugly around here.

  12. Buddy and Tiny – may they RIP {grin}

  13. I feel the same way about making bread. There is something therapeutic about mashing and beating the bread dough and coming out with an amazing loaf of totally edible bread. It is as close to violence as I ever let myself get!!!

  14. There is something very satisfying about killing flies. Once I even got two flies with one swat and I’m still boasting to this day. It can be a good object lesson for naughty kids, “I’ve gotta fly swatter and I know how to use it.”

  15. Good sound advice. I love the idea of you walking around with a fly swatter in your back pocket.

  16. That is FANTASTIC.
    For me it is rearranging the family room pillows. And by “rearranging” I mean beating the crap out of them and cursing under my breath as I SLAM them back into place on the couch when I have the house to myself.
    Its quite refreshing.

  17. A very positive outlook on flies. I however am the Hitler of flies. A little flyacide anyone?