Today I feel very far away from people who love me.
It probably sounds stupid because in theory love is great at time and distance. It doesn’t matter that my mom and sisters live on the other side of the world because we’ve got things like modern technology and computer crap to bridge the gap. I can call them anytime (between the hours of 5pm and midnight) can skype with them whenever I want (except with my closest sister because she doesn’t have internet access), and I always feel loved (except when I spend a week in my house and realize no one ever comes to hang out because oh yeah, I live in freaking Germany).
I feel like I’m an island surrounded by water and I can’t see any of the things I love because there’s all this stupid ocean between us. Friends can be great but friends can’t really love you or even need like your family does. I know my sisters think about me. I know it. Not because we say it out loud but because I think about them. And sometimes I’ll get an email from my oldest sister or a KiK message from my middle sister or a text from my other middle sister telling me to call my closest sister because she doesn’t have internet and she’s wants to tell me something.
And it makes me feel loved.
I have tried so hard over here to find friendships to fill in for my sisters, and there are wonderful amazing women every where I turn. Women I love and am grateful for.
But today I feel myself seeing a hard truth that has been lingering in the back of my mind for the past few weeks. No matter how hard I work at these friendships, they aren’t going to be my sisters or my mom.
It’s a grand adventure, living here in Europe, and I’m not complaining about it. I’ve met the most wonderful people, seen the most inspiring cities, eaten the most delicious food and made some priceless memories with my children and Jason. We would chose this ten times in a row without even questioning it.
But on the eleventh time, I think I’d just choose to go home.
It will be a while before we get to number eleven, but a little part of my heart is counting the days.
Bittersweet revelations. ……. I know them all too well, friend.
understand this completely, even tho my sisters are only 2k miles away
no one takes the place of a sis!
I remember those feelings. I also remember desperately missing my COUNTRY – all the things that are familiar and easy. I think it made me reach out to Heavenly Father more, and make more of an effort with the people around me. For me, it helped living on base. Those are the people that I still keep in contact with after 25 years.
Sometimes, you just have to cry and get it out of your system.
Annie! I know I am one of those nuts who writes to you like we are good friends because I love reading your blogs and can’t imagine that you really wouldn’t know who I was if we passed on the street :). But – I am sorry. It is hard to be away from family. And it is true no one quite replaces them. But (apparently I am going to throw away grammatical rules for this comment)– you are doing such phenomenal things there– finding the lost sheep, supporting the wives of those deployed, strengthening your new branch, being a lovely mother to those kids. The sacrifice you are making is bringing good fruit– and maybe in the meantime you can ask God for a fill-in sister while you are overseas. Sometimes those tender mercies come just when we need someone to help bolster us. Good luck– you do great things, and funny blog people really do love you and cheer you on in the good you do, not to mention the friends, family, and angels who really do know and love you.
Yes, Kristen, I would know you if we passed on the street! And yesterday after I wrote this I had like four friends get in touch with me which was really just what I needed.
You are a brave strong woman. Hang in there!!!
We lived away from our immediate family for five years, and you’re right: no one is quite like your sister/mom. I’m sorry you’re missing them right now. BUT I DID make some amazing friends I had to rely on like I haven’t been able to since we moved back home (to Washington–and when you’re back in Washington, I fully expect to meet you! haha). Our friends really did become like family and now I miss them like a hole in my heart, funny how that works! Good luck with everything!
My new baby is not sleeping through the night so I zonk out by 7pm their time. I need to start staying up so we can skype without kids, I need my sisters too.